Keeping with the "Dane Cook sucks" theme, these SNL commercials are great. Thanks to a long-time TLBR supporter in MKE for this.
MLB hires Boston-native(ish) Dane Cook for "buzz" commercials promoting the playoffs. Who does the NHL hire? Steven Wright? (thanks to longtime supporter Shots for that reference). ----- Also, the TLBR-GC wrote in this morning about the 7up reference. It comes from old 1980's commercials, when 7up and Sprite were rivals and not owned by the same Dutch conglomerate.
The line "never had it, never will" was in regards to 7up and caffeine. It also maculated into the punchline for jokes such as "What do Mother Teresa and 7up have in common?" Those jokes also reserve you a seat license in Hell.
Later, popular rap artist Snoop Dogg used the line in a song called "Chronic Break" on his platinum album "Doggystyle," in which he informs his listeners that he "treats a bitch like 7up - never have, never will."
We here at TLBR strenously object to the objectification of women, or the use of metaphors involving soft drinks and females.
I'm shipping off to find my wooden leg...
A few thoughts on a rainy Friday morning that began with the iPod alarm clock waking me up to "I'm Shipping Up to Boston."
- iPod karma in full effect with that tune...Jonathan Papelbon and Josh Beckett proving their immense worth. I think everyone in baseball can now look at Beckett and agree that he is what Dane Cook keeps yelling about in those stupid commercials. And Paps is just filthy. When Beckett can go 8 and hand the ball to the closer, it's like going from Pigpen to Pigpen.
- Oh well, no one's going to Dayton now. D.C. is on the board, with Philly soon to disappear as well. I guess we'll just have to force-feed the coverage with a 23-win season or something silly like that.
- Back to Beckett. Two humorous stories this week, in regards to baseball players and their off-field dalliances. I've always joked with my buddy JJ that if I could do it all over again, I'd learn to hit a curveball. Or throw one that's just a little faster than the 60 mph that my Charlie Hooker crosses the plate at. Or maybe get a second pitch.
But last night, in a "coincedence" of sorts, the Indians were scheduled to have Taylor Hicks or some other American Idol slapdick since the National Anthem. He couldn't make it, so they had Danielle Peck sing.
(the Q-rating of Danielle Peck isn't really hitting home yet, is it? Apparently she's a country singer.)
And she used to date Josh Beckett.
(and, judging by this picture, she still sorta likes him/or the team he plays for. Maybe next time, the Injuns can get motion picture star Matt Damon or famed author Stephen King to throw out the first pitch...ass...)
So the ace's ex is belting out about the bunches of bombs in the air. Classic.
Even more classic was Beckett's reaction to a post-game question about the chick he used to Facebook (I think that's what the kids are calling it these days)
"I don't get paid to make those (shampooing) decisions."
I should make t-shirts with that slogan on the front to wear around the current paycheck provider...
- As for the other ballplayer player, Derek Jeter took some time out of his busy schedule and mourning the anemic performance in the ALDS to swing a few episodes in South Beach.
Jeter and I have a lot in common. He's bi-racial, admittedly handsome, good athlete, filthy stinking rich, and can pick up any chick on the planet. And he has vowels in each of his names.
Ok, so the vowel part is pretty much the extent of it, but you can certainly imagine it, right?
Moving along here...Jeter bagged two bimbos, took them back to his crib (again, that's what the youth of America are calling it), ordered in Chinese, and played jenga.
Or they had sex. I dunno.
Bottom line: the next morning, a tad bit on the early side, the duo was seen and heard making a stink in the lobby of the hotel. Why? Because they had to pay parking.
So after a long night of jenga (which is what I'm calling it), they don't get breakfast or parking? Not even a bagel and a voucher? No crepe and a pass key? No waffles and a valet?
Attboy, Jetes. Treat 'em like 7up - never have, never will.
- That's about it. I like Schilling in game 6. It could be for the win if Gagne didn't blow.
Don't Worry, About a Thing
...Cuz every little thing...is gonna be alright...
Well, at least that's what Bob Marley thinks. First song on the iPod this a.m. A much needed tune from the iPod karma, because last night didn't have me feeling too optimistic.
Don't know how it's gonna turn out, but I do not think it's time to throw Josh Beckett. The series doesn't end tonight. Even with a loss, Beckett throws game 5 for a chance to return to Fenway.
Ok, back to the grind. Book is almost done.
In the meantime, if you've been pining for more TLBR, I invite you to visit the Boston Sports Review site. There's an article on there, about the best sports bars in the Hub, and I must say...the writing bears a striking and uncanny resemblance to our style here.
What's Really Good
Red Sox Nation is not some coined, trite phrase - actually, these days, it is. It's not a membership card. It's not Jerry Remy as President.
It's what you've seen at Yankee Stadium the last few years, with the numbers of red shirts and forked B hats increasing. It's the sheer numbers you see at every other American League ballpark, especially Toronto, Baltimore and Tampa.
It's the nod of acknowledgement you got in airports or major American thoroughfares, from 2001-2004 - which has just exploded to seemingly every nook and cranny of this big, giant English Muffin of a country of ours. Even around the world, you'd really have to try hard NOT to look if you didn't want to see a Sox cap. ----- This isn't to slam some of the Johnny Damon-come-latelys, as others do on occasion. I don't bemoan the pink Red Sox hat-wearing female populus. In fact, I think they're adorable.
Put aside all the schlock that the new owners pitch to us, ad nauseum, on NESN and realize that the real Red Sox nation exists in all the emails, IM's, and texts sent all day prior to, during, and shortly after the game(s).
Take, for instance, last night. Had tickets and turned them down (my assistant didn't, but that's a whole other story).
Watched the game on the couch, with texts pouring in from everywhere from the bleachers, different timezones, and different countries.
The texts even tell the story, maybe not like Gordon Edes or Jackie Mack, but you can probably tell how things are going.
Here's the transcript from my cell:
Sent (6:46 p.m.) - Got an extra for Friday. Any interest? Received (6:50 p.m.) - Was going to call. Can't make it. Meet before? Received (7:19 p.m.) - Lugo - safe or out? Sent (7:20 p.m.) - Very safe Sent (7:38 p.m.) - I heart small ball Received (7:40 p.m.) - I love Manny making heads up plays Sent (7:41 p.m.) - I heart small ball and big ball in the same inning Received (7:46 p.m.) - Without Matthews, LA lineup isn't good Received (8:04 p.m.) - Filthy absolutely filthy Received (8:14 p.m.) - Doug heading out to the pen now Sent (8:15 p.m.) - Throw lawn darts Received (8:34 p.m.) - This week I have turned down tickets to, in order, Bruce, the Sox tonight, the Sox on Friday, and the Pats on Sunday. I'm an a-hole. Sent (8:52 p.m.) - I like high cheese Received (8:58 p.m.) - Jose Mota is cute, eh? Sent (8:59 p.m.) - I never thought I'd miss Tina Cervasio Received (9:06 p.m.) - Hanley WHO? Received (9:06 p.m.) - 2:28 time of game Received (9:07 p.m.) - Ted Robinson and Steve Stone suck Sent (9:09 p.m.) - Magic number: 10
Somebody Explain This To Me
Doug Mirabelli is Tim Wakefield's personal catcher. He only plays when Wake pitches. When Wake gets taken out of the game, he usually gets pinch hit for, He's hitting a whopping .202.
Tim Wakefield is not on the ALDS 25-man roster.
Kevin Cash was brought up from Pawtucket when Mirabelli strained his calf trying to run. Mind you, this is the same Mirabelli who was thrown out trying to tag up from third base on a ball hit 300 feet to the right field warning track. Running really hurts sometimes. Cash hit .111 in his time with the Red Sox.
Jason Varitek is the Red Sox' starting catcher. He played 131 games this season for the Sox. When you factor in the 31 starts by Tim Wakefield, plus his games, yeah...you do the match (yeah...162).
For virtually the entire 162-game season, the Red Sox finished with the best record in baseball carrying two catchers - Varitek and Mirabelli. When Mirabelli went on the DL, it was Cash who replaced him.
Two catchers. 162 games. Best record in baseball. 96 wins.
So why three catchers for the ALDS?
Varitek, Mirabelli and Cash.
Wow. ----- Tek's the starter. And someone needs to sit their ass on the bench in case of injury or extra-innings defensive replacement.
Some ONE. Not two.
Not two light-hitting catchers. And since there's no knuckleball-throwing pitcher, one of those should NOT be Mirabelli.
Granted, I'm pissing and moaning over the 25th player on the roster. And, in the efforts of full disclosure, dislike Mirabelli immensely.
But someone needs to explain this to me. (Terry Francona segue)
"In the five-game series, I think we're comfortable going with 10 pitchers as long as there was health," Francona said. "So we try to maximize everybody on the roster by having the third catcher. We want [Jacoby] Ellsbury to be able to impact the game, if needed, and that can mean running for a number of different people. " "Now we have a catcher that we're comfortable with. We actually have two catchers we're comfortable with, but they have a little bit different skill set, so hopefully we can use both and just maximize the strengths of our players."
You want Ellsbury to impact the game? Play him. He's only hitting .360+ since being called up for good on Sept. 1.
To me, this move and the corresponding rationale SCREAMS of overmanaging. You carry three catchers simply to have a late-inning pinch runner? Great. What happens in thr 13th inning with no fast guy on the bench and a guy hitting .111 going up against K-Rod? Never thought about that one, had you?
End of my point: why Doug? ----- In fact, I asked this question to a loyal TLBR reader, dedicated Sox fan, and good friend. Here is the email exchange.
TLBR: Why Doug Mirabelli? Friend: In case Tek dies? Me: Kevin Cash is also on the 25-man. Again, why Doug Mirabelli? Him: In case Cash dies? Me again: Alex Cora. Mike Lowell. Dana Lavangie. Again, why Doug Mirabelli? Him again: Dunno. In case Tina Cervasio dies? Back to me: Hazel Mae. Kathryn Tappen. Jayme Parker. Again, why Doug? Over to him: In case the guy from Jordan's Furniture dies? My turn: Bob's Discount Furniture. Bernie. Phyl. Again, why Doug?