Blogging Away to Beat the Band
Ok, I'm gonna say something. If you like it, hold onto it. If not, just send it on back: I can't wait for the hoops season to be over.
I'd like an ounce of life to be back. And mind you, this is the best team I've ever had the pleasure and honor of dealing with. 12 little brothers - as little as a 6-9, 295 lb. person could be... - perhaps I meant "younger."
But jumping Jesus on a pogo stick...I have no shampooing life.
And that's adversely affecting the blogosphere. And you and I both know that can't happen.
Zero creativity. Zero time to feign creativity and pump out dreck. I got nothing.
So disappointing, because as angst and ennui birthed this here blog, those same two overlying expressions are slowly killing it.
No fear - I've booked the annual postseason trip and that should be 2+ weeks of material. But should you all have to wait until mid-April for pure comedic genius? I don't think it's quite fair, but I don't get to make the rules. I just have to live by them, while living vicariously through the person who is always two steps ahead of me.
So with apologies to Peter King for paraphrasing his column title, here are two things of crap I think I think/crap:
- Clemens is lying. McNamee is lying. Lots of folks are cheating. And the difference between lying and cheating is simple: you can only lie if you're asked.
- See also, Sampson, Kelvin...
Alright, I'm sleepy. G'night y'all. I promise to try to keep trying.
Super Bowl Live Blog
Yeah, why not?
This will be a hodge-podge of texts, thoughts, ruminations and whatnot.
6:15 p.m. - first Super Bowl text of the night: "Our song (Crazy Train) was way better. I feel like we have a 7 point lead already..."
6:18 p.m. - bad lip synching by Jordin whats-her-name....WHOA...what the shampoo is Bill wearing a red sweatshirt for? WTF?
6:19 p.m. - Jordin's done "singing." Eli's commencing puking.
6:21 p.m. - "Drillbit Taylor" - a movie about a guy who tries to teach nerdy kids to be cool around girls. Starring...a guy who tried to kill himself because a chick dumped him. "What happened out there, Baumer?"
6:24 p.m. - another text (from me) "TLBR live blogging..." (response) "shots live drinking."
6:30 p.m. - Joe Buck: "finally, football." No shit. Btw, your restaurant in the STL (J. Bucks) is awesome.On an aside, the previous three Super Bowls, I made sure it was some sort of event. Drank too much, ate too much, etc.Right now? Live blogging in between game notes. I'll probably go to bed right after. Ho-hum.
6:35 p.m. - so far, the Giants are going run-run-third down conversion pass. And two players down for the Patriots (Gay and Harrison. Shit).
6:36 p.m. - first commercial (Bud Light fire breather) sucked; second commercial (Audi take on Godfather scene) sucked. 5.4 million dollars - aka the GNP of Guatemala - wasted.
6:40 p.m. - Troy Aikman just used the word "elusiveness." Actually, it's probably more accurate to say Aikman just invented the word "elusiveness."
6:41 p.m. - text "This game so far: F."
6:44 p.m. - Rodney HgHarrison comes out of nowhere, and stops the Giants in the red zone. Jason Tyner kicks a FG, 3-0 G-men. (oh, that was Lawrence Tynes? Sorry.)
6:46 p.m. - The Pepsi Max/Night at the Roxbury commercial? Also kind of sucked. Salesgenie.com? Blows. 10.8 million dollars blown on four bad commercials.
6:48 p.m. - text (from me to several folks): "I heart Larry." Bud Light cheese block commercial? Horrendous. Under Armour? After you protect your house, fire your ad agency. Grand total of 16.2 million pissed away.
6:50 p.m. - The first Patriots play of the game is an end-around that almost ends up with a 15 yard loss. Second play is an eight-yard gain by Larry. I heart Larry.
6:54 p.m. - Playing the role of Troy Brown this Super Bowl will be Wes Welker. First down floater; Pats driving.
6:55 p.m. - Playing the role of Kevin Faulk this Super Bowl is, well, Kevin Faulk. First down Pats.
6:58 p.m. - End of first quarter, Giants 3, Patriots 0.
6:59 p.m. - Bridgestone commercial with the screaming animals? Pretty good. The Doritos singer/songwriter crap is dreck.
7:01 p.m. - Larry for 6, Steve for one, Patriots up 7-3. And they play "Elevation" for the TD. Welcome to Gillette West.
7:03 p.m. - Derek Jeter Gatorade commercial; "People like to watch games in slow mo or any kind of mo there is." In your case, that would be Ho-mo, right?
7:05 p.m. - Steve kicks it off out-of-bounds. F. Terrible.
7:06 p.m. - FedEx pigeon commercial, OK. Cars.com, OK. The Tide to Go commercial with the talking stain is the clubhouse leader so far...
7:13 p.m. - Karma. Ellis Hobbs, who got pushed off and face-masked by Amani Toomer to get the Giants into the red zone, picks off an Eli pass to notch the first turnover of the night. Wah-hoo.
7:14 p.m. - The Budweiser horse-doesn't-get-picked commercial. This is like hookers at the Super Bowl city - an annual annoyance.
7:18 p.m. - Three and out. F. Terrible. The Corolla/sleeping badgers commercial? Ah, whatever. The Clooney "Leatherheads" movie? Unwatchable. Napoleon/Garmin? Meh.
7:21 p.m. - A sack of Eli, and a forced fumble which the Pats should have recovered, and intentional unintentional grounding. Giants are probably just happy to get to Jeff Feagles.
7:23 p.m. - The CareerBuilder "I quit" commercial was kind of gross. Naomi Campbell, lizards, and a Michael Jackson song - how the shampoo do you, as an ad exec, even consider bringing that to some company's boardroom?
7:27 p.m. - Back-to-back Patriots O-Line failures, leading to two Tom Brady sacks. I fully expect to see a unicorn now. Or Atlantis. Or a smart member of the Bush family. You know, shit that I never thought ever existed.
7:29 p.m. - Carlos Mencia is the absolute worst shampooing comedian alive. So...let's spend 2.7 million on a commercial with him in it! F. Terrible.
7:32 p.m. - First glass of Tintara shiraz poured. Giants blasting through with the run game. Meh.
7:36 p.m. - A blindside sack and illegal bat forward. Defense is making the plays it needs to early. Offense needs to match that intensity. Ladies and gentlemen, that is your TLBR coachspeak for the evening.
7:37 p.m. - Writers Strike never more evident with the steaming pile of poo-poo movies coming out of Hollywood. The Planters cashew commercial? Solid. Very solid. D-Wade commercial now in line to go head-to-head with the talking stain... "You like popsicles? You been to Amsterdam?" Classic stuff.
7:41 p.m. - Justin Timberlake getting hit in the nuts - IT'S GOLD, JERRY! It's now win the mix.
7:42 p.m. response from an earlier text from me (The second place trophy is located in the ladies room) to a Giants fan (thanks for the head's up)
7:43 p.m. - I'm kind of tired of Tom getting hit. Text from Jeff: "this is the worst first half in Super Bowl history. It's like the Carolina game, without the firepower of the last 2 minutes." Can't agree more. This here football genius thinks that the first two possessions of the third quarter will put this game away. The Giants will have to adjust to the longer halftime and the good-guys have the ball first.
7:49 p.m. - How much shiraz has Bob Kraft had?
7:50 p.m. - Welcome to the Super Bowl, Randy Moss.
7:51 p.m. - They are kicking Tom Brady's ass. Flat-out kicking his ass.
7:54 p.m. - Pats 7, Giant 3 at the half. How underwhelming. Teams that lead at the half of Super Bowls are 32-7. America's Team is 15-1. Just wanted to get that in there.
7:55 p.m. - Does Petty open or close with American Girl? I say close...opens with Freefallin'... Stop Draggin' My Heart Around second.
8:02 p.m. - The NFL Network "get your story straight" commercials are always GOLD, JERRY. And perhaps this is a little Jeter, but the singers from this year's Idol are pretty good...
8:04 p.m. - Jesus shampooing Christ...is Bob Dylan the only remaining Traveling Wilbury who is still alive? Petty looks like John Henry after a week of tanning. And bad call on the American Girl...
8:07 p.m. - Ok, Petty is great American singer-songwriter, but it's not possible that everyone in the University of Phoenix Stadium knows the lyrics to his songs. It has to be up on the Jumbotron with the instructions: SING ALONG, PLEASE
8:10 p.m. - Still no halftime performance better than U2 at Patriots Bowl I. Bawled my eyes out, but it is one of those musical moments that I'll never forget. The preceding TLBR moment brought to you by OB Tampons, Oprah, and the Oxygen Network.
8:18 p.m. - Petty was solid. Text from Shots: "that shiraz is making you soft, Idol singers suk." He's probably right. Text from Jeff: "If we march down the field on the 1st possession of the 2nd half and make it 14-3, I will exhale. If they go 3 and out, there will be a lot of pacing." A 3 and out for me will necessitate another bottle of shiraz.
8:23 p.m. - Chris Myers described Bill Belichick as calm and relaxed...uh, yeah. What's the next scoop: Gisele is hot and blonde and looks really good in a thong that you could floss little pieces of corn on the cob out of your teeth with? Whoa, it is hot in here or is it just me thinking about corn on the cob?
8:25 p.m. - Wow. Two texts: "are you menstruating? PMS?" and then "Idol singers suck." My readers, they tough.
8:28 p.m. - Two big screen passes, Giants a "step too late" accd. to J.Buck. That's Patriots football.
8:29 p.m. - A sideline pass to Gaffney...my kingdom for a 20 yard sideline route to Jabar Gaffney...
8:30 p.m. - First C-word of the night uttered. So far, a solid effort by Cars.com. I love the faux Asian accent from the pandas on the Salesgenie.com ad. I hate the Shaq ad.
8:33 p.m. - This challenge flag - or at the very least, the process of which the Pats decide to make red flag tosses - are the sort of intangible moves that make or break a Super Bowl victory. If this is a first down and the Pats are able to convert for a score, then it just proves why Bill Belichick and his crew are the best ever. As for the ads, "Bottle opener suck" - decent, for a Bud Light ad. The ad with the genie for CareerBuilder.com blew goats.
8:37 p.m. - 12 men on the field. Credit Ernie Adams for that one.
8:40 p.m. - Kevin Faulk needed 13 yards. He got 14 yards. First down. Big play.
8:43 p.m. - 4th and 13 and they go for the endzone? Um. Send the Polish kid out for the three-pointer...
8:46 p.m. - Kevin Faulk potentially out? Shampoo.
8:49 p.m. - Asante Samuel's fingertips save seven... That other bottle of shiraz barking my name. Starting to get nervous. Speaking in short sentences. With very few words. Shit.
8:52 p.m. - Talking babies suck. I hate talking babies. Puking talking babies suck even more. And people being sucked into jet engines is not funny. I hate stuff now. Dammit, the Pats need another score.
9:03 p.m. - 7-3, Pats in the 4th quarter. What the shampoo? The Chester Pitts/oboe/NFL ad was terrific.
9:08 p.m. - Throughout the Patriots' run over the last few years, there has been a mantra for close situations and games. The mantra is simple: "Tom Brady is my quarterback. I have no fear." There may be need for the mantra later on.
9:12 p.m. - Second C-word. Giants 10, Patriots 7. text from Jeff: "I'm getting ready to throw up."
9:13 p.m. - I didn't get the NFL's consent to use this broadcast for any other purpose...shit. I'm gonna get shot.
9:14 p.m. - Mantra.
9:15 p.m. - What the shampoo is this piece of crap Adam Sandler movie? Zoolander meets Austin Powers? Looks like the Suck. And everytime I hear Danzig's "Mother" for the Sarah Connor Chronicles, I wait for Keith Foulke to jog in...and that's a good thing, because Keith Foulke helped the Sox win the 2004 World Series. And...well...mantra...
9:21 p.m. - Shampoo the talking baby. Seriously.
9:22 p.m. - Was just thinking that Rodney Harrison doesn't have a pick yet.
9:24 p.m. - Not a pick, but Rodney stopped Toomer a yard short... Was just thinking that the Pats haven't had a good punt/kick return yet tonight.
9:39 p.m. - Mantra. Told you. Now all we need is Rodney's pick.
9:44 p.m. - Victoria's Secret: Best. Super Bowl. Commercial. Ever.
10:00 p.m. - Shampoo. Shutting it off.