Dateline: Lawrence, Kan.Hang in there, Saddam. It'll all be over quite soon.
My only question is: what is the check-in time in Hell? Is it 3 p.m.? Do you have to request an early check-in? Or a non-smoking room?
This small blip of positivity in a morass of shite that is the Iraq War will be over soon. Begin the end of Saddam, and commence with the proud chest-thumping by the president. He gets to "git the guy that try to kill my daddy."
Next question: how long does it take to get on YouTube? ----- Ok, that is all. At some point, I'll get regular again and start blogging.
Hold On a Second, What?
Here are the results of a Federal study.
Unbelievable, huh? They actually wasted taxpayer money on this. ----- Here's another study that'll just knock your pants off (pun intended). ----- So kids are doing drugs and having sex....this is news to me. I mean, they weren't doing that in the 1960's...and they weren't singing songs about it in the 1970's...
Everyone Loves BloopersLink with some classic TV news bloopers. ----- And, potentially, one of the most shampooed up chicks I've ever seen. I mean, really...who the shampoo is AFRAID of PICKLES??? Snakes? I hate 'em. Sharks? I'm scared. Helicopters? Strange, yes, but I'm never getting on one.
But this girl is SCARED of CUCUMBERS soaked in VINEGAR! Best part of the story?
- If Matuszaka converts from a starter to a closer, will his conversion of a save be referred to as a "happy ending?"
- If Matuszaka was running late for a start and he was at the airport, would the Red Sox send a state police cruiser to "wush him from Rogan?"
- Why did they re-sign Doug Mirabelli? You'd be better off buying a big bucket of dogshit. I mean a big one. One that costs like 100k. That way, you'd save 600k or so, and it would be nicer to the physically challenged in the greater Boston area.
- I don't care how good a pitcher Dice-K is. He's always going to be the second-most popular Asian on NESN. (here's #1)
- Over/under on cameras when Matuszaka faces Ichiro in April when the Sox open their home slate? 34,900...take the over.
- Julio Lugo asked for #23 for his uniform. Why #23? Because they didn't have one that just said "Ike Turner."
- Seriously, Doug Mirabelli?
- The Sox' front office maintain that with Matuszaka, they will improve upon their staff ERA. The signing will also improve on their staff's ability to calculate their staff ERA. (get it? he's good at math...)
- Over/under on who owns more video games, Matuszaka or Schilling?
- Rumor has it, D-Mat was concerned with adjusting to life in Boston, so he had a long talk with the only successful and beloved Asian player in Red Sox history: Dave Roberts.
- Odds on "Boston Sake Works" opening up outside Fenway? Does the Cask & Flagon switch to the "Wok & Rickshaw" on games which D-Mat pitches?
- Does D-Mat get his own Ino? I vote for the housekeeper in "The Courtship of Eddie's Father."
- How long does it take for D-Mat to call Shaughnessy a "currey haired plick?"
The Boston Globe and Boston Herald are reporting that Daisuke Matuzsaka, agent Scott Boras, and the Red Sox front office staff are on a plane heading back to 4 Yawkey Way, conceivably to finalize a deal to bring the Japanese pitching star to the Hub.
As long (duck dong) as they didn't overpay, I'm all for it. I can live with 8.5 million per, for 5 years. Anything more, I'm leery. Either way, it's cha-ching (pun kinda intended) for D-Mat, or Dice-K, or whatever moniker the press wishes to assign him.
(I'm going to refer to him as "Eddie.")
Keep Rocket on speed dial for the trading deadline.
Don't Get Caught Watching the Paint Dry
Well, I feel cheated.
There's a series on AMC called "Date Night." The premise of this reality show is a guy watches the same movie with like 10 different women.
On the lead-in back to the movie from commercial, they show the two individuals reacting. Great idea for a show, I think.
Well, tonight's movie is "Hoosiers." And that's not right. Because back in the day, Hoosiers was my first-date movie. ----- If someone could stand sitting with me as I encouraged Coach Dale to stick with his halfcourt sets and strict rules about ball movement...if my date could both respect and understand that Jimmy Chitwood was the best player to lace up his Chuck Taylor's in the state of Indiana...if my companion understood why Shooter needed to finish coaching the close game...and if Miss Thang knew how much that final game meant; that South Bend Central was bigger, tougher, stronger and had fancier uniforms yet Hickory still outplayed them...then she was primed for a second date.
Or, if I were to play devil's advocate or see it from the particular person's eyes - no shot. ----- In fact, a NYC columnist wrote an article about the movie, and the 50 year anniversary of the victory by Milan H.S. (the real name of the school that won the '54 Indiana state title). He told the real-life Jimmy Chitwood (his name is Bobby Plump and he owns a restaurant in Indianapolis called "Bobby's Last Shot") about my use of the movie - and his jump shooting - to determine my dating future. Chitwood/Plump damn near lost it and I got a chance to chat with him a few weeks after the article was printed. ----- But bottom line - this particular AMC show would be a smash hit if I were able to dust off my bootlegged VHS copy of "Hoosiers." Apropos of nothing: Our shampooing president is showing the height of his arrogance, stupidity and ignorance. None of those three qualities are unique of each other. You had a bipartisan committee - that means Republican and Democrat there, Dubya - one guy even "worked for yo' Daddy." They both said that your plans suck. Your planning sucked. Your ideas sucked. And that your cabinet, especially the see-you-next-Tuesday and soon-to-be-former Defense secretary, you all suck.
Of course, they used flowery words, but bottom line is...they said you suck and your suckitude is killing Americans by the C-130 load. Their recommendations? Stop sucking and start doing something about it.
But this shampooing assclown doesn't think it's a good idea. Great.
On Jan. 20, 2009, come on down to the Biggest Little - I'll be throwing a party.
Unless the Democrats continue to chart their course of disaster to try to win the Oval Office. And you know what I'm talking about. Not judging, just saying... ----- Alright, back to running numbers.
Man, it's so nice to be back. I feel like Terry Waite right now. So much stuff I've wanted to do while in captivity, so I think I'll just start writing.
In no particular order:
- Sox fans, and baseball fans everywhere, stop with the whole focus on money. It's not the money. The market spiked. If Johnny Damon were a free agent this season, and not last, then his price would have been 5 years at 100 million.
Are the Sox overpaying for JD Drew? Yes.
Are you like me and wonder "hey, I thought they don't do 5-year deals and waive no-trade clauses..." ? I hope so.
And can you figure out the thing with Julio Lugo? No? Good.
But it is what it is, as Coach Belichick is wont to saying, and I fear that the Sox are in no better position than they were in September of this past year. Let's review.
1B - Kevin Youkilis performed pretty well in his first full season as an everyday player. Not much pop, but had a good OBP for a leadoff guy when Boom Boom Bust (my new name for Coco Crisp) bwoke his itty bitty wittle pinky finger. Defense didn't suck.
2B - What the hell was wrong with Mark Loretta? Brought a glove. Got basehits. Made the All-Star team. Turned double plays. Cost nothing. Who is replacing him, Pedroia? The only think he adds to the lineup is one less comma on his paycheck.
SS - Um, if I told you last Winter that Alex Gonzalez would hit .250, you'd have taken it, right? And then if I said that he would've been the best defensive SS in Sox history, perhaps, plus a handful of HR and a few key RBI here and there, you'd sign him up, right? Well, no you wouldn't have, because maybe Hanley Ramirez was in the mix. Well, now we have a guy with the domestic life of Wil Cordero, the bat of Orlando Cabrera, the glove of Jose Offerman, and the facial resemblance of Quincy Douby. Shampoo.
3B - You know what Mike Lowell has done so far this offseason? Get coffee for 35 cents at McDonald's, go to movies for half-price, vote, shit his pants, and complain that it's so god-damned hot. Why? Because that's what old people do.
LF - For christ's sake, is it Manny or not? Y'all know how I feel about Manny, so I won't restate it (ok, I will - he's my second favorite Red Sox of all-shampooing-time.). So trade him if you're going to trade him. Get nickels on the dollar if you must, because it's better than pennies. If you're not going to trade him, then make a few exceptions for whatever it is that makes him happy. Somehow the only reason I think they acquired Drew was to have someone else to bitch about quitting on the team or acquiring fake injuries.
CF - Big year coming for Boom Boom. Nothing wrong with him in the nine-hole. While Mike Lowell was buying aspercreme and Werther's candies, lets hope Boom Boom spent his time watching Tom Emanski's "How To Properly Track a Ball in Centerfield" DVD.
RF - JD Drew. Yawn. I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, and if he can provide some protection for the Dominican Duo, I'm even more in favor. He is a better fielder than Trot (is that a difficult task to achieve???) and Wily Mo (Mike Lowell's Depends are better than Wily Mo defensively) so he's got that going for him.
C - Tek. Backup? As long as he's not hitting .158 and named Doug, I don't care. I hope the Mass Staties gave Dougie an 11-minute ride BACK to Logan.
Bench: Wily Mo, good righty power; Hinske, versatile lefty bat; Alex Cora, Remy's man-crush; Carlos Pena, why not?; Dave Murphy, you have to give him a shot, right?; Joe McEwing, whatever; George Kotteras, backup catcher, whatever.
I'll move onto the starters tomorrow ----- - Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn broke up? Who cares?
My only concern: is she going to join the fellowship of the bimbos and stop wearing undies, so the whole world can see Wile E. Coyote, a la Britney and Lindsay and Paris et al?
By the way, Brit-love...C-section scars are so passe. UGG boots, too. ----- - To my recollection, this year - and it's only December - has had the best early-season, non-conference college basketball in quite some time.
Is it the new rule about the NBA making kids wait a year? Sure.
Is it a cousin of that rule - the "George Mason effect" - in that mid-major schools are better teams because they have seniors that get to play and improve together for four years?
Sure. All of the above.
And most of all, it's the due diligence of the NCAA Tournament committees the last few, who have not rewarded "power" conference teams with weak schedules over mid-majors who hang and bang, night in and night out.
Either way, this early season slate only sets up what will be some great conference matchups in January, February, and March. ----- That's it for now.
It's so nice to be back at the Dexter Lake Club. Shama-lama-ding-dong.