The Unfortunate List
The following comments regarding the Red Sox are made with the knowledge that they may be mildly offensive; but the intent is to be moderately humorous.
(translation: If you're offended, get over it.)
- Does the Matuszaka signing put the Red Sox in line to also ink the Wu-Tang Clan for a remake of The Standells' "Dirty Water?"
- Or this one
- If Matuszaka converts from a starter to a closer, will his conversion of a save be referred to as a "happy ending?"
- If Matuszaka was running late for a start and he was at the airport, would the Red Sox send a state police cruiser to "wush him from Rogan?"
- Why did they re-sign Doug Mirabelli? You'd be better off buying a big bucket of dogshit. I mean a big one. One that costs like 100k. That way, you'd save 600k or so, and it would be nicer to the physically challenged in the greater Boston area.
- I don't care how good a pitcher Dice-K is. He's always going to be the second-most popular Asian on NESN. (here's #1
- Over/under on cameras when Matuszaka faces Ichiro in April when the Sox open their home slate? 34,900...take the over.
- Julio Lugo asked for #23 for his uniform. Why #23? Because they didn't have one that just said "Ike Turner."
- Seriously, Doug Mirabelli?
- The Sox' front office maintain that with Matuszaka, they will improve upon their staff ERA. The signing will also improve on their staff's ability to calculate
their staff ERA. (get it? he's good at math...)
- Over/under on who owns more video games, Matuszaka or Schilling?
- Rumor has it, D-Mat was concerned with adjusting to life in Boston, so he had a long talk with the only successful and beloved Asian player in Red Sox history: Dave Roberts.
- Odds on "Boston Sake Works" opening up outside Fenway? Does the Cask & Flagon switch to the "Wok & Rickshaw" on games which D-Mat pitches?
- Does D-Mat get his own Ino? I vote for the housekeeper in "The Courtship of Eddie's Father."
- How long does it take for D-Mat to call Shaughnessy a "currey haired plick?"
- Or does Ino have to learn Japanese now?