I'd be glad to do that for you on Tuesday, missus, but I won't say which Tuesday... Whew, I've been away so long, I almost forgot my password. In any event, hope y'all had a nice Memorial Day Weekend. Mine didn't suck.

Here are a few thoughts for the morning, before I codify something for the afternoon:

- Dennis "Oil Can" Boyd made a return to professional baseball last night, starting on the hill for the Brockton Rox. The Rox are an independent minor league team in Massachusetts and, let's be honest, the indy leagues are more for gimmicks and promos than they are for nine-inning canvasses of beauty.

The Can didn't disappoint. In fact, at age 45, he pitched pretty well, scattering seven hits over six innings, while yielding two runs. Many of the folks in the stands probably remembered him from back in the day, from the PawSox to the BoSox to the fact that he was flat-out crazy. He may still be crazy. But he can still throw, excite, and entertain. And that's good enough for me.

- Nice weekend for the Bombers. Cue up the Sesame Street theme, and this weekend's series was brought to you by the number 17 and the letter W.

- If Mike Tirico came into my apartment with a suitcase full of hundreds and asked me the named the starting five for the four remaining teams in the NBA playoffs, he'd promptly leave my apartment with said suitcase in hand.

I was thinking about the NBA briefly this weekend, which is the longest I have done so in about a decade, and realize what the biggest problem the association has to deal with: name recognition.

- Was watching The Crocodile Hunter on Sunday morning. It's nice to have been to a place in the world, then see it on TV, and say "hey, I've been to that place in the world."

The Australia Zoo was a kick-ass place and one particular highlight was petting a koala as Kate, the friendly zookeeper held it. Well, lo and behold, on the Croc Files, there was Kate helping that psychopath Steve Irwin out in the croc pit.

Kate was great. So was Oz. I'm mulling over a career move in the next few weeks. "Selling all my shit and backpacking through the Antipodes" is in the top three.

- Oooh, just saw this on page three of the news: Paris Hilton's engaged. Whew, that's big news. Personally, I thought the news about the real Paris was slightly more important. You know, the Paris with the big erector set thingy in the middle... The Paris that Lance Armstrong rides his bike in, with his yellow jersey, metaphorically thumbing his nose at those who spit on him in the Pyranees.... The Paris that is the capital of the country that, by virtue of its arrogant "non" vote, may have just sent the European Union into a short-term economic recession...

Nope, not that Paris. Paris Hilton. And she's engaged to a GUY named Paris? Enthralling. I give it 11 minutes.

- On a side note, me and pops were discussing Paris the girl's latest publicity gimmick - the Carl's Jr. commercial - and what I thought of it. I told him I didn't think much of it, unless you count when I'm all alone in my private den...but that's a whole different ball of yarn altogether.

Carl's Jr. is not a household name on the Best Coast - it's more of a West Coast thang - but hey, no less than two folks in the Biggest Little were discussing their burgers on Sunday, so score one for the adverts and the Hilton P.R. machine.

There were three (five is you're counting the virtual nothing Ms. Hilton was or wasn't wearing) main eye-catchers in the :30 second spot: a scantily clad Paris, a Carls, Jr. burger, and a black Bentley. Which poses this question: which of those three are you most likely to contract some sort of illness from: Paris, the burger, or the Bentley?

Right, I've never heard of getting the clap or e.coli from a car, either.

- Whoa, shocking news out of the NBA! Larry Brown is taking another job! Yeah, seriously. Larry. Brown. And all this while he's still working, in a pretty important spot, in his current and now old gig.

Yeah, I thought he had a pretty good thing going, too. But, hey, I heard Paris Hilton's engaged...

Later on. One.  ¶ 10:08 AM