I need some air.
Ok, remember the story about the guy who used to seize when he heard Mary Hart's voice on Entertainment Tonight? I think I know how he feels, after reading Michael Silverman's Red Sox (check!) notebook in the Herald today.
One particular note just summed up:
1. Mark Bellhorn's rehab and how he believes he'll be ready when his stint is up on August 18. Why? I like the combo of Cor-affanino.
2. Gabe Kapler's ready to join the squad, too. I like Gabe, don't get me wrong, but it's not like he's Barry Bonds or anything. If MLB decided to make like the NHL and change the way the outcome of games were determined (overtime vs. shootout; extra innings vs. bench press or squat thrusts), then I'd be excited. Speaking of Kapler, was he the only MLB player to ink a deal with K-Swiss? Ever?
3. (and this is where I'm twitching)...Francona reported that Kapler saw former Sox reliever Rich Garces
. That's not difficult. You can see the Great Wall of China from the moon. I suppose if you and El Guapo
were both in Ft. Myers, you prolly would have a tough time missing him
And it could get real confusing if his t-shirt said "Wal-Mart." Then there would be a bunch of folks trying to park their RV's on his tukkis.
But it gets worse. The following sentence fragment just gave me a sinus headache: who has re-signed with the ballclub and is currently working out for them.
I dunno what is more troubling or hard to believe. That Theo re-signed him, or that he's working out. Thankfully, Francona shed some light on this pressing issue: "I've heard he's big,'' and I heard he's throwing the ball great.''
The only El Guapo
I want near Fenway is here
. Scroll down to "burritos."
4. And the final tidbit in Silverman's notebook related to wacky slap-hitting first baseman Kevin Millar running an informal poll in the clubhouse about who is the fattest Red Sox. According to the paper, the candidates include Millar, Wells, Curt Schilling (named "worst body'' by a poll of players in Sports Weekly) and Doug Mirabelli.
I'd like someone to run an informal poll, or pool, "When will Kevin Millar have an extra-base hit?" or "When will Kevin Millar not pull the ball foul three times before flailing at a breaking ball in the dirt for strike three?" or "When will Kevin Millar and two-out RiSP be mentioned in a positive light in the same sentence."
But at least the notebook mentions the signing of Craig "mmm'bop" Hansen and the showcasing of Manny Delcarmen with the big club.
Until later, one.