Ok, so I got the damned Windows 98 antique to at least recognize this high-falutin' CD burner.
Now, I need to choose the correct program for it to burn to. Nero? F. Terrible.
Burn4Free? Well, I might be getting spammed the rest of my life, but we shall see if this can do the job.
The computer is safe from being smashed like a cantaloupe at a Gallagher show. For now.