Birds do it. Bees do it. Wombats do it.
The Wombat.

A cute and cuddly marsupial.

Or...

Superfreak?

Well, as this article here in The Age - Melbourne, Australia's newspaper of record - details, wombats have a very particular and unusual mating ritual. Some might call it S&M, some might call it getting freaky deaky, some might just be puzzled as to why someone has actually studied the libidos of wombats...but make no mistake about it: these wombats know how to get jiggy wit it.

According to the article, prior to coitus, wombats perform a complicated dance, give their mates a bite on the rump and then let forth a series of ferocious backward kicks. So basically, wombats are Usher, Marv Albert, and Jet Li when it comes to the marsupial no-pants dance. Interesting, n'est-ce pas?

Along with being relatively puzzling, these findings are also relatively new. Puzzling because some scientist actually made it his work to tape wombats doing it, um, wombat-style...then watch wombat whoopie...and then detail it. (what's next, mating rituals of the wookie?)

Clive Marks, the Dr. Ruth of Wombats (not really, I just made that up), had this to say about his research: "With absolute precision, details of the wombat's sex life were recorded and, surprisingly, it seemed anything but modest."

Weird.

It gets weirder.

You need to read this link. My main man Marks gave us the Kama Sutra of wombats.

We don't need that. Really, we don't. I rise and sleep with some sort of implicit understanding that boy wombats do stuff with other girl wombats and then, voila, more wombats.

And that's where I end this story because, well, it just needs to stop. It's troubling that someone is spending as much time researching this subject as he did...it's troubling that wombats are getting more action than me...and, well, it's just weird.

Besides, when it comes to sweet lovemaking, there's only one source you should turn to: Smoove B.

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And with that, I'm gone.

One.  ¶ 7:08 PM