In Honor of Valentine's Day
Yay. It's Valentine's Day tomorrow.
I can feel the love in the air. Or is it the snow? Hell, it's so shampooing cold in my office, I'm lucky I can feel anything. At one point today, I had to stick my hands down my pants just to warm them up.
And, sadly, that was as close as I came to having love in the air. (editor's note: I immediately regret the use of the verb "to come" when describing my hands down my pants.)
But in honor of Black Wednesday tomorrow, I put The Best of Serge Gainsbourg on the iTunes and went web surfing.
And found a list of the 100 Best Love Songs of All-Time, compiled by the New York Daily News
The official Throws Left, Bats Right
stance on the list - shampoo. So here's the list, complete with really witty, caustic and cynical commentary:100. "Oh Girl" - The Chi-LitesThis is #100? It's a classic. These other 99 ought to wow me.99. "When I Fall In Love" Nat King ColeThis is #99? Gotta be easily top 20. I have a bad feeling about this list...98. "Have I Told You Lately" - Van MorrisonMan, is this a reverse chronological list? This had better not be Van the Man's only song on this list...97. "How Can I Tell You" - Cat Stevens
If you ignore the fact that this guy is pretty much Al Qaeda now, this is easily top 5, maybe top 10. How can I tell you how much I love this song? I can't find the right words to say.96. "Alison" - Elvis Costello
Um, this might be on the top 100 songs of all-time, but maybe not "love." It's not a real happy song. A bit forelorn. Maybe it could make a list of really sad and spiteful love songs.95. "Do You Love Me?" From Fiddler on the Roof
Yeah, whatever.94. "Some Enchanted Evening" From South PacificGood song. Good spot for it. Can't say I'm a big show tunes guy, but it's a keeper.93. "Someone to Watch Over Me" - Linda Ronstadt
See also #9592. "A Man and a Woman" - Anita Kerr SingersSee also #93, 9591. "Natural Woman" - Aretha Franklin
Can't say I relate to this tune first-hand, but you cannot deny its power.90. "All I Want" - Joni MitchellDon't know it, can't comment. But if the Counting Crows ever decide to remake this Joni Mitchell song, then pave paradise for a parking lot.89. "At Last" - Etta JamesThis is 89? Shampooing 89? I mean, wow. Just wow. Easily top 10.88. "You Make Loving Fun" - Fleetwood MacYeah, I suppose. Right spot. Good song. And considering everyone in Fleetwood Mac slept with everyone in Fleetwood Mac, I also find it ironical.87. "Songbird" - Fleetwood MacTwo in a row? Man...86. "Just the Way You Are" - Billy Joel
If this list was "songs to break bottles over your head to," then yes...this song occupies a high spot. But if anyone I was ever interested in played this, I might assault them.85. "Last Dance" - Donna Summer
Well, white people need to dance like jackasses at weddings. So I suppose this song fits.84. "Fever" - Peggy Lee
Huh?83. "Do You Want to Dance?" - Bette MidlerSee also #8482. "Sexual Healing" - Marvin GayeThis is about 81 spots too low. I mean, it's Marvin. Marvin shampooing Gaye. You mean to tell me you never...I mean...this list blows. Just blows. Moving along...81. "Crazy" - Patsy Cline
Um, maybe the list of top 100 Love Songs for Bipolar People...80. "Always on My Mind" - Willie NelsonThis song flat-out rules. Could be a top 20, top 25 tune. Honest, introspective. Good stuff.79. "Saving All My Love for You" - Whitney HoustonYou know how you can have a good laugh if you add "in bed" at the end of fortune cookie fortunes? Well, substitute the word "crack" in Whitney Houston song titles and you will get the same sort of chuckle.78. "On the Street Where You Live" - From My Fair Lady
Huh? Show tune again. Paging Mssr. Amaechi...77. "Somewhere" - Stephen Sondheim and Leonard BernsteinSee #7876. "Still in Love With You" - Al GreenGotta love the Rev. Al Green. Something makes me think this should be higher.
75. "Do You Believe in Magic?" - The Lovin' Spoonful
Chris Klein's role in American Pie bludgeoned this song to death.74. "Just Like a Woman" - Bob Dylan"She breaks just like a little girl"...A little odd for this list...Would prefer Lay Lady Lay.73. "P.S. I Love You" - The BeatlesThis is the 73rd best love song? Who voted this so low, Steve Jobs?72. "Chelsea Morning" - Joni Mitchell
Back to the Joni Mitchell talk... Um, I dunno if this should be this low. Maybe in the 90's.71. "Girl" - The BeatlesYoko Ono broke this band up, Amazing love song, way too high on the list. Needs to be lower.70. "Kiss From a Rose" - SealWell, this guy pulled Heidi Klum and had a kid with her. So I suppose he could sing the phone book and it would be effective.69. "Vision of Love" - Mariah CareyWhat? A wha? Are you shampooing kidding me, what?68. "With or Without You" - U2
This is 68th? Ok, this list is officially shampooing awful. I have this in my top two.67. "Moon River" - Henry Mancini
Perhaps if I was 70 years old. Not saying it's not a great love song, but...66. "Take on Me" - a-ha
65. "Crazy for You" - Madonna
64. "Time After Time" - Cyndi LauperGreat trio of 80's love songs. All three are guilty pleasures. All three fit the list. I love the sad part of "Time After Time," when it sounds like that girl didn't just want to have fun. She just wanted to whisper and cry.63. "Come On Eileen" - Dexys Midnight Runners
Is this the "Top 100 Love Songs" or the "Top 100 Rejected Porno Movie Titles?"62. "Love You Inside Out" - Bee Gees
Well, it ain't "Jive Talkin'." I've always said that in the 7th ring of hell, that song is on repeat play.61. "You're the One That I Want" - John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John
Just shampooing stop.60. "How Deep Is Your Love" - The Bee Gees
You know, this is a real solid tune. The earlier Bee Gees stuff is amazing. Really.59. "You Don't Have to Be a Star (To Be in My Show)" - Marilyn McCoo and Billy Davis Jr.Another solid tune. Good call on this one. It almost makes up for that g-d Grease song.58. "Shining Star" - Earth Wind & FireI have no opinion on this song. Not good, not bad. Just not.57. "Lovin' You" - Minnie Ripperton
Huh? Who?56. "Then Came You" - Dionne Warwick and the SpinnersWhat?55. "Can't Get Enough of Your Love Babe" - Barry White
Barry White shouldn't even be allowed on this list. I mean, the guy wrote nothing but kick-ass babymaking songs.54. "Feel Like Makin' Love" - Roberta Flack
Sure. Why not?53. "Love's Theme" - The Love Unlimited OrchestraSure, why not?52. "The Way We Were" - Barbra Streisand
Uh, isn't this sad? Forelorn? Retrospective? Not exactly on my list...51. "Midnight Train To Georgia" - Gladys Knight
This is #51? This is also in my top two all-time for ALL songs. This song being this low officially made this list a big steaming pile of shit.50. "Let's Get It On" - Marvin Gaye
Holy shit. #50? Raise your hands if you've ever, um, "make sexy time" to this song. (Is nice. I like.)49. "You Are the Sunshine of My Life" - Stevie WonderShould be top 10 on this list. I mean, the man wrote songs in the key of life...48. "Lean on Me" - Bill WithersOk, I guess so. It's a nice song. A little over-done, but nonetheless...47. "Here, There and Everywhere" - The Beatles
Uh, this is probably #1. Yeah, wait, it is. It's the best love song ever.46. "Heart of Gold" - Neil YoungA very beautiful song. Glad it made the list. A little uncanny.45. "Let's Stay Together" - Al GreenThis should be top 15...ok, what the shampoo? Who made this list? It's the Reverend Al shampooing Green, people...44. "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" - Diana Ross
Yeah, fine, whatever.43. "Close to You" - The CarpentersThe first Carpenters song on the list...Probably not the last.42. "The Long and Winding Road" - The BeatlesHello? HELLO? This is a breakup song, written by Paul McCartney as the last song on, at that time, what was going to be the last Beatles album. There's love at the root of it, but isn't that true of most long-term breakups?41. "Sugar Sugar" - The Archies
Yeah, whatever.40. "Higher Love" - Steve Winwood
Good choice. Not at the top of my list, but solid.
39. "Love Theme From Romeo and Juliet" - Henry ManciniShowtunes. No thanks.37. "Baby Love" - The SupremesSure. Fine. Whatever.36. "Strangers in the Night" - Frank Sinatra
Ah, a lovely slow dancing song. Good choice.35. "Reach Out I'll Be There" - The Four TopsSure. Fine. Whatever.34. "When a Man Loves a Woman" - Percy Sledge
Top 4 or 5 easy. This song, I mean, you play this and it's like Steve Novak from the free throw line...33. "I Will Always Love You" - Dolly Parton/Whitney Houston
I Will Always Love...Crack (tee-hee-hee, see? Is funny...)32. "(You're My) Soul and Inspiration" - The Righteous BrothersOh yeah, the Righteous Bros. are just that. Great song.31. "My Love" - Petula Clark
Petula Clark doesn't float my boat, but what the heck, right?
30. "I Got You Babe" - Sonny and Cher
I have nothing bad to say about this one.
29. "Back in My Arms Again" - The Supremes28. "Happy Together" - The Turtles
27. "My Guy" - Mary Wells
26. "Chapel of Love" - The Dixie Cups
25. "I Will Follow Him" - Little Peggy March
24. "He's So Fine" - The Chiffons
23. "Up on the Roof" - The Drifters
I'm sure if I was 60 years old, I'd be all over these tunes. I'm sure I'd have done some heavy petting and necking at the drive thru in my Corvair if I had these songs on the AM radio. But I'm of the iPod era. So, save these for the easy listening stations.22. "Will You Love Me Tomorrow?" - Carole King
I'm a big fan of Carole King/piano music. Of course, I used to sit in my dark apartment, alone, drinking bottles of red wine and blogging incoherently. They're roughly one and the same.21. "Stay" - Maurice Williams and the Zodiacs
20. "Save the Last Dance for Me" - The DriftersYeah, fine. Sure. Fantastic.19. "Unchained Melody" - The Righteous Brothers
The movie "Ghost" sucked. This song got over-played. Good but not great. There are better tunes from the Righteous Dudes.18. "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" - QueenQueen is so underrated it hurts. And this song rules.17. "Sherry" - The Four Seasons
This is different than Steve Perry's "Oh Sherry," which is a great love song. Hey, no Journey tunes on this list? What the shampoo? No "Faithfully?" That is top 6 or 7... Dumb-asses.16. "To Sir With Love" - LuluI love the 10,000 Maniacs/REM version of this. And it comes from a terrific movie. Good choice.15. "Killing Me Softly With His Song" - Roberta Flack
Lauryn Hill called. She thanked you for her career.14. "You've Got a Friend" - Carole KingAnd then usually after enjoying the vino, I'd stumble downstairs and then out to some bar and continue with the swilling. Oh look, it's Carole King and I'm getting flashbacks.13. "All I Have to Do Is Dream" - The Everly BrothersI'm still happy that I saw them play on stage...12. "Bridge Over Troubled Water" - Simon & GarfunkelUm, once again...this is a BREAKUP song. Last song on S&G's last album together. Jesus...11. "Best of My Love" - The Emotions
10. "I Can't Stop Loving You" - Ray CharlesSure.9. "Michelle" - The Beatles
Hey JVet4, where's this on your list? Those are words that come together well...your Mi-chelle...8. "Are You Lonesome Tonight?" - Elvis PresleyThe title of the song is also the first sentence. Here are the next two: Do you miss me tonight;Are you sorry we drifted apart." DOES THAT SOUND LIKE A SHAMPOOING LOVE SONG TO YOU???7. "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face" - Roberta FlackLauryn Hill still thanks you for her career.6. "In My Life" - The Beatles
Yeah...slam dunk. Home run.5. "You Are So Beautiful" - Joe CockerNow we're talking...4. "I Just Called to Say I Love You" - Stevie Wonder
I'll let an exchange from the movie "High Fidelity" speak for me here:He hears the bell on the front door RING, and he stops and listens, looks a bit worried.
CUSTOMER (O.S.) I'm looking for a record for my daughter. For her birthday. "I Just Called To Say I Love You." Do you have it?
BARRY (O.S.) Oh yeah. We got it.
CUSTOMER (O.S.) Great. Can I have it then?
BARRY (O.S.) No, you can't.
Barry leans back, elbows up on the counter behind him,talking to the CUSTOMER, a middle-aged graying man in a raincoat.
CUSTOMER Why not?
BARRY Because it's sentimental tacky crap, that's why not. Do we look like the kind of store that sells "I Just Called To Say I Love You?" Go to the mall and stop wasting our time.
CUSTOMER What's your problem? What did I... Why are you --
BARRY Do you even know your daughter? There is no way she likes that song. Or is she in a coma?
The Customer throws up his hands and starts out of the store.
CUSTOMER Okay, okay, buddy. I didn't know it was Pick On the Middle-Aged Square Guy Day. My apologies. I'll be on my way. He steps out of the door.
BARRY B'Bye!3. "Wonderful Tonight" - Eric ClaptonIf the list was top 100 songs about dysfunctional relationship while in the throes of a polysubstance abuse problem, then yes. Otherwise, spare me. It's a bit over-done.2. "I'll Be There" - The Jackson 5
This is the #2 love song of all-time? Give me a shampooing break.1. "My Girl" - The TemptationsDavid Ruffin was a bad m-f. And the man could flat-out sing. And I ever had a chance to have someone serenade me and my mate at dinner, or in some romantic setting, it would be the Temptations and this song. You know, in a fantasy situation. Because at press time, David Ruffin has been dead for like 23 years. Downer, huh?
ok, that's all.
I'll make my list at some point tomorrow. It'll be shorter (25 or so). And better. If you have a song you'd like to see represented, well then email me
or make a comment.
life is but a beach chair